It’s low-key terrifying, parenting teens in the 2020s. Of course, I suspect it’s always been an extreme sport, raising children through adolescence; most of us remember with faint horror the screaming highs and lows of our own incendiary hormonal years. The particular challenge of current male-teen-herding is the twin spectres of internet accessibility and the rise of ‘alpha male’ influencers such as Andrew Tate. This latter is really a fallout of the former - strong opinions and charismatic messages can spread globally in minutes, even if their content is dangerously violent. I don’t want my son to view women as objects to be owned, controlled, hurt and exploited - I can’t imagine that’s anyone’s goal as a parent. However, if we’re not concerned about the insidious and widespread nature of the messages that Tate, Peterson and their ilk put out, then I’d argue we’re not paying enough attention.

While we do, of course, regularly reinforce an attitude of equality and respect in our household, naive would be the caregiver who believes that that alone is enough. Peer opinion and social influence is incredibly strong, and when large numbers of that social group are consuming messaging that regularly normalises violent, objectifying, and sexualised content - well, it doesn’t take a sociology degree to understand the risks.

And before anyone comes for me, this isn’t an “aren’t men awful” thing. Some men are awful. Some women are, too. The alpha male messaging hurts everyone, in setting unrealistic - unachievable - standards for men, while creating frameworks that increase the risk of violent, coercive and abusive relationships in the future for all genders. On the flip side, this is often how young men (especially, but not exclusively) find their way into involuntary celibacy - incel - forums, when those standards and behaviours mean that they don’t find themselves in the type of relationships with the kind of women they’ve been told they deserve. Genuinely, nobody wins here.

I’d apologise for being bleak, but I genuinely believe these are some of the biggest issues facing young people today. The attractive packaging and reasonable sound-bites are a wide-open gateway to some incredibly damaging paths. So what can we do? How can we equip our teens to exist in this society? With the best will in the world, parental influence on teens will have limitations in the face of a class or team full of young people. For me, then, this book has come at exactly the right time.

Lads is a no-nonsense book aimed at teen boys and young-adult men. Over several chapters it covers topics such as flirting, being ‘that guy’, porn, banter and locker-room talk, consent, respect, and the ability to put yourself into someone else’s shoes. It’s written in an easy, chatty style, and is very readable, with breakout sections and stylised text, as well as clearly defined sections and narrative.

Lads isn’t a big stick to beat men with. It starts from the position that the person reading is, just like the writer, fundamentally a good person who wants to continue being so. Without berating the reader, it walks them through various situations where one may feel that they were only being nice; giving compliments, flattering with grand gestures, being persistent to show that they really like someone… and then talks through how those behaviours in some situations may in fact have the opposite effect. Why ‘gentlemanly’ can come off as creepy, and ‘complimenting’ can feel more like harassment - and that impact matters much more than intent in these scenarios. More importantly, it also gives some really concrete options and possibilities for alternatives - what might you compliment someone on, and in which context? (spoiler - a friend, with a cool bag - absolutely. Random girl walking down the street, with attractively long legs - absolutely not). I also was a huge fan of the section on seeking active consent - reluctance, drunken mumbling, and anything other than an outright enthusiastic yes? - means no.

The book is focused primarily on young male behaviour and experiences, and the author acknowledges that it’s mostly for cis heterosexual guys - although much of the advice on social interactions would be relevant to anyone. I think also if your young person is neurodivergent, they may need supplementary discussions and materials for some of the subject matter - advice to “read the room” is potentially a little vague for someone who finds it hard to read body language and social cues - but it’s a brilliant starting point.

And that’s what Lads is: a starting point. No single book, discussion, or one-off parental or school-based warning is going to cut it when trying to guide young people towards being Good Humans. But as a jumping-off point, a springboard for discussion - this is excellent. I’m a big fan of “read however works best for you”, whether that’s audio, digital, or printed word, but this is one I would encourage you to get hold of in paper form. Encourage your teen to read it; leave it lying around. If you don’t have teens yourself, buy more copies and gift them to friends who do. Let’s keep believing in our young people and their potential to be excellent.

Grab your copy of Lads from Amazon

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